Currently viewing the tag: "Brokenness"
Make Me Thy Fuel
by Amy Carmichael
From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee
From fearing when I should aspire
From faltering when I should climb higher
From silken self, O Captain, free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.From subtle love of softening things
From easy choices, weakenings
(Not thus are spirits fortified
Not this way went the Crucified)
From all that dims Thy Calvary
O Lamb of God, deliver me.Give me the love that leads the way
The faith that nothing can dismay
The hope no disappointments tire
The passion that will burn like fire
Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.
Why then have these people turned away? Why does Jerusalem always turn away? They cling to deceit; they refuse to return. I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. No one repents of his wickedness, saying, “What have I done?”…Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush. (Jeremiah 8:5-6, 12, NIV)
My Molly Jane has red hair, fair skin and lots of freckles. When she gets embarrassed–say, by a mother who writes about her on the internet, for example–Molly can’t help but blush. And when she blushes, she blushes. Her creamy complexion darkens to match her hair.
Jeremiah wrote that God’s people didn’t even know how to blush. They weren’t even the slightest bit remorseful for their sin. The passage reminds me of a friend whose choices led her away from her marriage, away from the church, away from the Lord. After much pleading and many tears–from my eyes, not hers–she simply “refused to return”. To this day, she remains in blatant sin, “unashamed of her loathsome conduct”. She doesn’t even know to blush.
The truth is, though, I could become just like her. As much as it grieves me to admit it, I could potentially, over time, harden my heart, too. Because of this, I often pray that God would make me feel just awful over my sin. Even the slightest sin, God–make me hate it. I never want such a distance, such a hardening to separate me from Him. I pray the same for my children, too.–That Nathan, Anne and little redheaded Molly would be sick over anything that dishonors God.
Let us hate sin, God, and love only You. Let us, like Molly, always know how to blush.
First published on Sixty-six Books in a Year.
The kids and I took turns recently with a fever, cough, and sore throat. And oh, the sore throat. Not as bad as strep, but still, it hurt to talk, laugh, or even think about swallowing. I also had a few painful canker sores in my mouth, too, which made me brace myself at every bite of food, every drink, every smile.
For the first time in more than three decades, I found it easy to remain silent.
Well, not completely easy. Sometimes, like when I had to pass up perfectly good jokes, I was sad at not talking. But for the most part, when I opened my mouth to talk, I’d think it over first. If the words weren’t absolutely necessary, I’d close my lips right back again. The pain just wasn’t worth it.
“Think before you speak” is hardly a new idea, but it took a sore throat and canker sores to make me live by it. Just this morning, I recalled a time several years ago when my words hurt a friend. Why didn’t I think first that day? Better yet, why couldn’t I have had a “guard over my mouth” to “keep watch over the door of my lips”, as David prayed in Psalm 141?
I speak without thinking when I want to promote myself. I say things to feel self-satisfied and superior…but I prove myself to be small and sinful. My thoughtless words often announce that I am very unlike Jesus Christ.
God, let my mouth bless and not curse, heal instead of hurt, build up rather than tear down. Change the heart from which my thoughtless words overflow. Give me the mind of Christ, so I can speak His words after Him. And will You keep watch over the door of my lips? Guard my mouth, Lord. The pain it inflicts just isn’t worth it. Amen.
Certain sections of scripture should really come with a warning. Like a coffee cup that warns its contents may be hot.
I would add such a caution to the twelfth chapter of Romans, because it is, most definitely, hot. Perhaps even a little unpleasant.
I’ve had a few relationship struggles lately. Each is strained for a different reason, but each leaves the same anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I am a mixture of anger, hurt, stubbornness, apathy, pride…all wrapped up in the nagging knowledge that I am not completely honoring God with my attitude and actions.
It was in this state that I unwittingly turned to Romans 12. Again, dear reader, caution! Don’t go there unless your toes (and possibly your heart) are made of steel. I had barely started reading before Paul had gone to meddlin’.
“…offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God…” Lord, I give You all of me. No more inward resistance. Find my heart and mind holy and pleasing!
“…Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…” Oh, ouch. I do make things all about me, don’t I? Let me never forget my weakness and my desperate need for Your grace. Then I’ll be gracious toward others, too.
“…Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves…” Sincere love is so hard, especially when I’ve been wronged, Lord! Disunity is an evil to You–help me to hate it. Clean my heart until it’s devoted to unity, and to the people you love.
“…Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse…Live in harmony with one another…Do not repay anyone evil for evil…If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends….” (Full disclosure: it was at this point that I closed my Bible for a few moments. I may have also rolled my eyes.) Lord, really? Have You not paid attention to these conflicts, God? Because frankly, this seems like a lot to ask.
Yet, in light of the cross–in light of Your grace to me–isn’t it so very little to ask? You gave Your Son; I can give a kind word. You forgave my mountain of sin; surely I can forgive a few petty wrongs committed against me.
Not only “can” I forgive…I must. If I claim to belong to You, I must imitate Your forgiveness and love. Oh, I do long to be like You, Lord! I want my life to please You and honor You. Don’t let my heart rest until every hidden part of it obeys You and reflects You. Let me trade in my “rightness” for Your righteousness.
And thank You for speaking so clearly through Your Word.
But I still say, it should really come with a warning.
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:15-16)
Last weekend, author and speaker Jackina Stark led the women of my church in a fantastic retreat. More to come on that soon, but for now I can’t stop thinking about an illustration Jackina read. It’s a poem by Wilbur Rees.
I would like to buy three dollars worth of God, please.
Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep,
but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk
or a snooze in the sunshine.
I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man
or pick beets with a migrant.
I want ecstasy, not transformation.
I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.
I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack.
I would like to buy three dollars worth of God, please.
Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep,
but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk
or a snooze in the sunshine.
I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man
or pick beets with a migrant.
I want ecstasy, not transformation.
I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.
I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack.
I would like to buy three dollars worth of God, please.
Makes my heart cry, “Oh, Lord, explode my soul!”
More on Jackina Stark:
- Bookshelf: Three New Releases!
- Bookshelf: Tender Grace
- Article about Jackina on Ungrind: “Rough Draft Life”
- Jackina’s website
A few Sundays ago, just before services began, I pulled up next to one of our church leaders in the parking lot. Sitting alone in his car, he smiled and waved as I parked. When I turned off my van, I heard his music playing loudly. It was one of my favorite songs–MercyMe’s “Word of God Speak”.
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You’re in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
My eyes filled up when I realized this church leader was praying that God would speak at Real Life. That God’s truth would fill the high school gym we call “church”, that His Spirit would pour down like rain, and that His name would be proclaimed. I’m grateful for humble leaders who love God’s word. I’m challenged by their example, and by the song’s lyrics–especially this line: “The last thing I need is to be heard, but to hear what You would say.” God, too often I only listen to myself. My wants, my selfishness. But God, let me hear Your truth. Word of God, speak!
Andy and Nathan are at camp this week, so the girls and I are cramming everything girly into seven days. On the first evening, we put on makeup. Monday night, we braided hair. Yesterday we went to the mall, and last night we did our nails.
And tonight I’ll be rocking in a fetal position, reminding the Lord that my non-girly self is completely inadequate as a mother of daughters.
During Sunday’s makeup fun, I described each cosmetic and its job as we put it on.
“This is eyeliner. It makes our eyes look bigger.”
“Why do we want big eyes, Mom?”
(As it turns out, makeup sounds rather pointless when explained.)
With my concealer, I said that “conceal” means “hide”. “We use this to hide the yucky spots on our faces.”
Anne looked thoughtful. “So…do Molly and I need it then? Because we don’t have any spots on our faces. But YOU need it, dontcha?”
(Hush, honey. Mommy needs to rock a bit.)
Later, I wondered again about the purpose of makeup. Really, it’s all about pretending and concealing, isn’t it? I try to make my skin look as flawless as my daughters’. Ultimately, I hide my true appearance.
I can also hide behind “makeup” in a spiritual sense. I use a deceitful, hypocritical concealer—and apply it liberally!—to hide the true condition of my heart. It’s phony, it’s sinful, and it’s exhausting. Solomon and his father, David, talked about this kind of concealer:
“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place….Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:6, 10)
God, I’m not fooling anybody—least of all, You. You see the sins I conceal. You know the “face” beneath the makeup. Wash my heart, Lord. Bring me out of hiding into Your mercy, and keep me ever clean before You. Amen.
“I’m like, the only one who can’t say bad words,” Nathan announced one afternoon. He wasn’t complaining, just stating fact. The neighbor kids had taken a poll on which curse words they were each allowed to say, and Nathan couldn’t say any of them.
He’s also the only one who can’t watch certain TV shows, and the only one who can’t ride his bike beyond certain streets. And, sadly, he’s the only one who must come home at a certain time for dinner.
Occasionally Nathan complains.
“But he doesn’t have to go in yet….”
“But he can watch the movie….”
And my response? “He is not my kid. You are mine, so you have my rules.”
Ah, that’s one of those parenting lines that echoes around in my head as God’s Spirit gently nudges, “Yes, Amy, that’s what I’ve been trying to teach you, too.”
Sometimes I complain.
“But she gets to retaliate when she’s angry. She complains and pouts and gossips.”
“But she handles things on her own. She sets her own agenda, and she’s very successful. I know You tell me to wait on You, but God, she gets things accomplished by herself!”
And God lovingly replies, “She is not My kid. You are Mine, so you must live by My rules–according to My life-giving word, given for your own good!”
“My children–those who would follow Me and call themselves by My Son’s name–must love and forgive, not retaliate and hold grudges. My kids don’t complain or gossip. My daughters trust Me, and hope in My promises, and wait for Me to advance My kingdom through them, rather than take matters into their own hands, for their own selfish gain. Child, do you insist on being unloving? Untrusting? Then you are not My kid.”
A prayer: God, I want to be Yours! Oh, how I long for it! Why am I tempted to settle for less than what You’ve promised? Let me not be completely happy until I completely submit. I love You, God, and I’ll obey. Thank You again and again for letting me be Your kid. Amen.
Christy Nockels is one of my favorite artists. Love this from Watermark’s 2002 album, Constant.
“Still”
by Nathan and Christy Nockels
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
‘Cause just when I think that I’m alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
‘Cause that’s when you come
Sing over me
by Nathan and Christy Nockels
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
‘Cause just when I think that I’m alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
‘Cause that’s when you come
Sing over me
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I’m so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still
Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all its beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
And even stillness makes me move
‘Cause that’s when my heart
Learns to dance with You
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I’m so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
I’m Your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still
Hold me
Cleanse me
Change me, Oh God
Change me
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that You are God
And You’re always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still
“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” James 3:16
This verse is part of a passage that my friend and I are memorizing together. Have I mentioned that James is the book I would vote Most Likely to be Cut From My Bible? It’s so challenging to me! The more I work to learn this verse, the more selfish ambition I see.
And believe me, it isn’t pretty.
I don’t mean to brag, but my talents at selfish ambition are impressive. I can mentally replay a compliment long after it has been paid, and pat myself on the back again and again. Sometimes I will truly intend something for God’s glory, but if I’m praised, I inwardly take the credit. I can also manipulate situations to paint myself in the best light. In fact, I’m so good at making myself appear humble that sometimes I even convince myself. But it’s still selfish ambition, and God still hates it.
More from James:
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you….Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:6-8, 10)
God, I don’t mean to brag. Truly. But sometimes…often…I do. I have so much of me in me that I get on my own nerves. And yet, I want to follow James’ instruction. Deep down, I do want to submit to You. I want to come so near to You—so intimately, Father!—that I will desire nothing else but Your glory.
So God, please make my heart pure. Wash me clean of any selfish ambition until I am sincerely and constantly humble before You. Let Your name be famous, not mine. Let me grow Your kingdom, not mine. You, not I, are God. YOU, NOT I, ARE GOD.
Thank You for Your undeserved grace, and for coming near. I love Your name, Lord. Amen.
